but you wouldn't listen
my body said no a million times
even after i was silenced
but yours didn't listen
now i struggle to find my voice
i knew you won't listen anyways
i know you won't listen either
none of the boys listen
my voice doesn't matter
but can i learn to fly again?
I am not so sure.
It's been years and still my wings have tears.
Torn and broken.
Did you know I would suffer all these years
even long after you "touched" me?
Did you know I would never be "normal" again?
I've tried it all and it still hurts inside.
I can never forget.
I've never had a day when I'm not aware of these scars.
Do I have a voice to find?
I'm not even sure it ever existed.
Well... I can't believe I've made it this far. In february we bid on our first house. Through a horrific loan process since then we are only just now getting a clear to close. The house will need a lot of rehab work to move in, but should be nice when finished. Unfortunately since the loan took so long to complete... The lease already ended on our apartment and so we were forced to move into my sister's basement temporarily while the lender continued to work on our file. All the uncertainty of not knowing if the loan will go through or not and essentially being homeless in this time while waiting and praying for positive answers has been beyond stressful. Knowing our futures depend completely upon the lenders and knowing I have no control over anything...has really made me realize how important it is to me to be in control. And this uneasy transition time has been so stressful and seems to bring up those gut churning feelings like my past... But I have nowhere private to process everything here, so I decided I ought to write here a lil. It's been a little difficult for me, but overall I have still maintained for the most part to have hope. Life has been interesting the past few months. I wish I could write more but I'm on my iPod touch and getting sleepy... Night all.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
So today I had follow up on my colonoscopy. Good news is I don't have bid, chron's, ulcerative colitis or cancer... Only nonspecific colitis. They think chronic constipation brought it on, which I've had since i was young, so why the issues suddenly at 32? Basically I was told it's probably stress and not enough fiber, so I need to eat more fiber and make myself re-potty train by sitting on the toilet every other day for 30 minutes whether I feel like pooping or not. I have handled stress all my life, why would it just now be hitting my health so awful. And finding 30 minutes of alone time is not possible. And if I had the luxury of alone time I don't really want to spend it on the toilet just waiting for nothing. In the wake of all this I came to realize I kinda don't like being closed in the bathroom cuz of my CSA that sometimes happened there. So I'm feeling like he won. Here I am almost 32 and having health issues cuz of the jerk who did stuff to me as a kid. Ironically I thought I was doing well mentally lately... So why is it hitting me physically instead? Sigh.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
I need to feel close to you
Look into my eyes
Tell me what you really see
It’s not a surprise
Hold me closely
Closer to you
With you is where I wanna be
Close to you
But you feel so far away
Even when I’m in your arms
I am so in love with you
Entranced by your wildest charms
Hold me closely
Closer to you
With you is where I wanna be
Close to you
You know I’m so into you
But you hold me so far away
Though I am in your arms
It’s so not what you say
Cuz in your eyes
Not showing me what to do
To cross the bridges you have burned
I’m bleeding through
The distance is killing me
Not having true intimacy
Being so near to you
And yet so far away
i don't even know where to begin. so i'm just going to record facts.
baby has been doing great. he turned 3 last month and he is such a treat. he is the sunshine in my life.
hmm July was our 8th anniversary- and it didn't go so well. as you can read from previous posts, i was having a really hard time acknowledging what actually happened to me on our honeymoon (and how i was treated after that)... and trying to find a way to still celebrate the day that brought me so much pain. And i was trying to process how it is that the man who had just vowed his love to me could have been so inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, impatient. It was a rough time for me and finally I had the courage to let justin know that, instead of just holding it in and pretending the day was ok.like i've done on previous years. But finally i had learned to quit taking all the blame on myself for that night and put some of it on him. this is not to say that i really view him as a monster (though it felt like such to me as i was processing it all), i just thing he was an over-eager jerk who made a poor and selfish choice without considering my readiness or feelings. to make a long story short,... hubby did not handle that shift of guilt well at all. ..... so it's been pretty miserable most days since then. well it was miserable before too. not to say we haven't had some good days. but lots of hard ones. we've both been playing an online game together, i joined it hoping to rekindle flames together and that we would both gain some friends since we are lonely. we got into roleplay and such. but i found the same dysfunctions we had in real life, we carried with us into computer life...so our avatars never really connected, sadly. he became indifferent and cold towards me, no feelings for me, didn't want to spend time with me in real life or virtually in the game, i would even ask him to have sex with me and he would decline, he was too busy talking to some other girl. and he lost any care and concern for my health. in october i had a mini-stroke and spent a couple days in the hospital. i had not had 8 hours of sleep since lil guy was born. my body just decided it was done functioning really. so anyways, i got out of the hospital after that scary time.... who gets a mini-stroke at at 30? so anyways 2 days out of the hospital, kieran had been up late, i was exhausted i awoke with kieran that morning and asked hubby to watch him and keep him out of the bedroom for a couple hours since i really needed some more sleep. his response "quit your belly-aching, i'm tired of hearing you complain about sleep" ... but i hadn't been getting any sleep. he didn't even care. so seeing his attitude show his true colors, i said if he was not willing to help me meet a physical NEED, not a luxury, but a NEED for my health, then i would go live with my mom who would help. he said "fine". he didn't even care. seemed he was glad at the idea of getting rid of me. guess i couldn't measure up to the girl online. so anyways, this is the attitude i have had to deal with the past few months especially. it's been very hard and hurtful. yet i still love him and have cried very much to think he does not love me. i noticed him caring for that other girl though in ways that he has never cared for me. it was hard to bear. so finally last tuesday 2/23 he comes home from work in a very cold attitude, sits down and says "we need to talk". i knew it must be serious. i dropped everything i was doing and then he started with "i'm filing for divorce". he essentially blamed everything on me. i have begged him to stay. i hurt so much. i don't know how much more of this i can bear. after talking and crying alot he said he would stay... though he is not writing divorce off as an option. i hurt so much... i don't even have words. wednesday night after talking more he became a little more sincere and said he was sorry for putting me through this.... he had plans of running off with that other girl and not even warning me. he had scheduled an appointment with an attorney already for friday for divorce consultation which he also was not going to tell me about. i can understand how he can get emotionally attached to another girl online easily... i don't condone it, but i can understand how easy that can happen unintentionally. but i can't believe he was going to just walk out without even a warning! i am just in shock. i never thought he would be that type. yet something stopped him and he decided to tell me. after talking, he decided to cancel the meeting with the attorney the next day. and now we just started going to counseling as a last effort to see if we can save our marriage. he said "i guess it's only fair i give you a chance". he is playing the blame game, one day it's all my fault, the next day he's sorry and says he's a monster that doesn't deserve my love. and no, he doesn't really deserve my love at this point. yet i still love him, i just hurt really bad. but he is still unsure if he can commit to me again. i feel so broken. so depressed. and not sure i am strong enough to survive this. i apparently have no value to him that he could consider just leaving me like that and that he can't find enough reason to promise to stay with me now. me and kieran both i guess... are rejected. just sad. he is so oblivious to how much i have tolerated with him and how much i still love him anyways, oblivious to any value i may have... i guess the rest of the world always looks greener. i am sad beyond words. i just hope we can work this out, but i guess if he still decides to leave i have to still find a reason to smile. maybe someday my sun will shine. it's been a long time since i've seen the sun. at least i still have kieran though. he is the best sunshine ever. i can say this, if hubby and i fail at marriage, at least i can say we make the best kids. kieran is simply the best thing ever. love him immensely :)
10-16-08 got Hepatitis A vaccine (related???)
11-06-08 Kieran woke up with little red/purple pin-prick rash all over his body. Prior to this, he had one little rash spot on his bottom for a couple weeks, had a very minor cold (runny nose) for an evening earlier that week, and was otherwise healthy to my observations. he did seem a little fatigued and played on the floor a lot more than usual- not being as active as typical. Also had a little bit of blood in his snot once and was bleeding from gums during tooth-brushing some, but didn't think much of it. we took him to med center and they didn't know what was wrong, so they gave him antibiotics as a precaution.
11-07-08 I noticed he was bruising all over in weird spots, lots of little bruises. I called the after-hours nurse and she said to bring him to the ER for evaluation.
11-08-08 We took him to the ER in the morning. Blood tests confirmed that his platelets were at only 4k (150-400k is normal). Being so low, and looking at other factors, he was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura (ITP). They took him off his antibiotics.
They administered Winrho (Rhogam) through his IV and pre-treated him with Tylenol and Benadryl to help with the side-effects. Got some flu-like symptoms for a few hours from the medicine and vomited once, but otherwise was okay.
11-09-08 at 22k platelets, released from the hospital that afternoon.
11-12-08 at 45k
11-25-08 at 20k during follow-up visit with hemotology (had a few petechia spots)
12-02-08 at 4k... petechia were gradually increasing over the last few days (in number of spots and in darker color), had lots of spots today and seemed fatigued and easily upset (fussy/clingy) over last couple days. We were sent back to hospital for IV dose of Winrho.
12-5-08 at 25k. petechia starting to go away again. has won over all the hospital staff's favor...
12-09-08 at 42k :)
12-16-08 at 11k :( more petechia today... gotta draw blood again on Thursday and will likely get an infusion of IVIG on Friday... so another treatment for me to research. this is very difficult emotionally for me... my poor lil guy!
12-18-08 at 12k! :) he went up, all on his own!!! :) albeit was only a lil and it's no gaurantee that it won't drop again, but yay!!! that's good news! tomorrow he will get another dose of Winrho to get him through the holiday season, but hopefully he will start to climb on his own some more, if not then they are going to discuss other treatment options with us. but yay, 12!
12-19-08 at 16k!!! all on his own! did a dose of Winrho again to help boost it some more, but we're on the right track! yay! will have platelet count again on monday to see where it's going. might start prednisone treatment if necessary, but hopefully he won't need it!
12-22-08 at 64k!!! yay, the highest yet since being diagnosed. i think we're on the right track!
12-26-28 at 46k. roller coaster goes down.... but hopefully will come back up!
12-30-08 at 15k. :( not looking so up, but i'm trying to keep hoping. doctor had the insinuation that it is looking more like a chronic case, but still has hope that it will recover like an acute case. we go Tuesday for a bone marrow test to make sure that really is just ITP and not something more serious. in the mean time, his platelets are really low and they don't plan on giving him any treatments unless he begins bleeding... but the waiting scares me. anything under 10k and he could start bleeding spontaneously without injury in serious places like his brain. i am very apprehensive, but i guess lots of people decide not to treat ITP at all... so i can only pray that maybe they'll go up. please pray!
01-02-09 at 18k! all on his own! it's not much, but i'm glad it's in the right direction to start the year off with! we will still have the marrow test on Tuesday, but if he's still climbing little by little I think I will request to NOT start treatment yet.
01-06-09 at 31k!!! all on his own! So excited to see his numbers going up on their own... hopefully they will keep climbing little by little and not reverse any. Because of this, I talked with the doctor today and decided to NOT start the prednisone yet but instead to keep monitoring the numbers and as long as they keep climbing, we are not going to treat. Also had the bone marrow aspiration test done today- it was kind of rough, but he came through pretty well. we should know some results tomorrow and the rest of results will be back in about a month. details on today are in my additional journal entry for today's date :)
01-08-09 bone marrow results came back- they are NORMAL! So he is producing enough platelets, his body is just destroying them...so ITP is the correct diagnosis for sure. :) yay! It could have been worse than ITP, so this is a relief! Thank you Jesus! now we just pray and wait for his platelets to continue rising!
01-13-09 at 17k. not what i had hoped, but it could be worse. doc said we could wait another week and watch if wanted before starting prednisone, so we are waiting and hoping for it to go up :) had extra bloodwork and urine test done yesterday because his pediatrician says he's not gaining enough weight for his height. those tests came back okay, i think she said glucose was at 116 but that was okay given the time he ate, and they had some keytones in his urine, but that's not necessarily bad either. thyroid and stuff came back fine- as i knew! he is not malnourished, just skinny and high energy like i was at his age. he's getting so used to the blood tests now that he didn't even really cry- complained a minute, but was fine. kind of sad that he is used to being poked, but i'm glad it's not so traumatizing to him anymore.
01-20-09 at 58k!!!!! wooohooo! Had few more petechiae in the last few days, so I thought he was going down. Has a slight cold right now otherwise... but 58k all on his own!!! totally celebrating today!
01-27-09 at 12k. Some mix ups at the hospital that they had to clarify and the lab machine was broke down yesterday, so they weren't able to count his platelets till late in the night. I'm thinking that the platelets clumped due to the waiting time and so the count is not accurate. Will get recounted tomorrow to see if the number is accurate. He doesn't seem like his platelets are low though- his “long-term” petechiae have been disappearing and bruises seem to be healing too- and he's been full of energy and oineryness. 12K is a big drop from 58k a week ago. Hopefully the recheck will look better, otherwise, we will be starting prednisone :(.
01-29-09 at 14k. :( the numbers were accurate. have a doc appointment tomorrow and will likely start the prednisone.
02/01/09 saw hemotologist and discussed my concerns. he seems to think this could be a chronic case, but we'll see as it is still condered acute by definition. got his prescription for pred.
01-31-09 started Prednisolone- 3 cc twice a day. he hates the flavor. has a bad cold too. poor lil guy!
02-03-09 at 157k!!! yay, we're in the normal range for the first time! barely, since normal begins at 150k, but we hit it! the downside is it's making him extremely hyper still and he's having a hard time sleeping well. has been waking up full of energy at like 3-4 a.m.... as if he had been wired to a caffeine IV at full drip! he wakes up talking, smiling, with hands clapping wildly and lil feet just in motion.... but eyes looking tired and only having had a few hours of sleep. his cold seems worse. i'm apprehensive about having him on the meds and think when we taper them off he will lose his platelets again... so why subject him to all the steroid side effects? but this is supposed to be a short trial and hubby wanted to try it. i hope it will work. i'm praying for a miracle.
02-10-09 at 335k!!!! whoa! this was with prednisolone, but it'd be nice if it remained high once off the meds... praying!
02-17-09 at 217k :) still normal range
02-24-09 at 117k (if i remember correctly)
02-27-09 dropped prednisolone down to one dose a day.
03-03-09 at 81k platelets, 79 glucose. I was hoping it wouldn't drop... keep praying.
03-10-09 at 85k :) hope it keeps going up :)
03-17-09 at 53k :( not great, but not too bad. He had a cold, so I think it affected his immune system/counts.
03-27-09 at 99k! nice :) seems to be working, hopefully continues to improve. doc said we could drop his dose down.
03-31-09 dropped prednisolone dose down to 2 cc per day.
04-01-09 at 57k
04-07-09 at 61k
04-15-09 at 63k? (i should have wrote it down when it was fresh in my head)
04-21-09 at 57k?
04-28-09 at 80k! yay! ( i feel like God told me he is healed... we'll watch numbers for confirmation in case i'm off my rocker)
05-02-09 dropped prednisolone dose down to 1.5 cc per day.
05-05-09 at 146 woohoo!!!!!
05-12-09 at 85k?
05-15-09 dropped prednisolone dose down to 1 cc per day.
05-19-09 at 138k yay!!!
05-26-09 ??? moving, forgot to record.
05-30-09 dropped prednisolone dose down to 1 cc every other day (skip day starting today).
06-03-09 at 74k (no prednisone today)
06-09-09 at 77k (no pred today)
06-16-09 ??? forgot to write it. 83k?
06-23-09 at 203k. Yay!!!!! (had pred today)
07-29-09 at 76k. (haven't had checked in month due to no insurance. didn't have pred today)
08-17-09? was about 100k. i can't remember exactly the day or platelets because i forgot to write them here. I am no longer as stressed out about the condition, it's become more normalized to me with his higher numbers, so am less likely to write them down i guess. eeks. so i forgot. we are getting tested every 2-3 weeks now.
09-01-09 at 107k. we can test once a month now. at his next doctor visit, we plan to drop prednisolone down to once every 3 days. lately kieran has been easily irritable. not sure if it's just the terrible two's, or a side effect of the steroids... roid rage. but boy can he scream! i hope this passes soon.
I haven't updated in a long time.... but Kieran's platelets have been staying mostly between 90-125 lately. He is now considered a Chronic ITP case since he's had it over 1 year, but i can say he seems to be better now than at first. We have dropped him down to .75 cc prednisolone every other day, and still keeping numbers somewhat high.
02-11-10 we gave him his last dose of prednisolone. He is now off all medicines and we are watching to see how he does.
02-19-10 at 95k platelets and not taking any medicine! woohoo.
02-26-10 at 125k platelets and no medicine! :) thank you Jesus!